''You were bloody gorgeous!'', I said, as I looked at a picture from twenty five years ago.
If only I thought it at the time. I had so little confidence, was always finding flaws. Hair, too fine. Nose, too big. Lips, too thin. ''If only I could loose a couple more pounds'', even though I was a size eight.
Why oh why, no matter how beautiful I looked, deep down inside I never felt 'good enough'. An ugly duckling, longing to be a swan.
The other day I met a lovely woman around my age, in the ladies while putting on our lippy; as you do.
''Oh my god, I hate getting old !'', she said. ''I look in the mirror these days and hardly recognise the face staring back at me.
I told her my story, the twenty five year old photo. ''I'm exactly the same'', she said.''
'I've always hated the way I look. Hated being a size sixteen starved myself for months just to drop a couple of pounds. Hated my hair!'' All through my teens 20's, 30s, 40s. Then I got cancer', she said, 'Now putting on weight means that I'm healthy, and having hair at all, is a bonus.''
It made me feel sad and ashamed. Then I felt angry, angry at all those lost years of youth that so many beautiful women have used up not feeling good enough.
So, I have made a pact with myself. Tomorrow I will look in the mirror, see the face looking back at me and say;
''You are bloody gorgeous!''
I may not believe it entirely. But at least it's a start!
As a 'big girl' I go through phases of questioning, worrying about, agonising over this state, and very long periods of not thinking about... More...
"The only body I have"
"My daughter is anorexic. My beautiful baby girl is starving herself to skin and bone.
I take off my clothes and look at myself in... More...
"Dear Body - I love you."